WARNING: Contains subject matter that may be offensive to the elderly.
I’d like to take a moment to commiserate with the 50 and up crowd. You young folks should also pay attention. You’ll want to know what the future may hold for you.
Let me begin by asserting, I don’t have a problem with getting older. It’s the smell that bothers me! Odors from old swollen feet, flabby armpits, and false-teeth gum-breath must be foreign and reprehensible to everyone but me. Let’s not forget the unmentionables. If you ever get a whiff of mine, you won’t be able to forget it! Furthermore, I don’t care what the Viagra Man says, except in 911 situations, old folk’s private parts should never be seen, OR smelled by other people.
Someone should invent a pill. They could call it Odormycin. The commercial would go something like this….
“Does your doctor now wear a mask and gloves during your annual check-up? If so, try ODORMYCIN! Smell 30 years younger in 30 days, or your money back. (Side effects of Odormycin may include halitosis, foot fungus, profuse sweating, gas and bloating.)”
Another consequence of getting older are the sounds which emanate from my decrepit body. Gurgling guts, wheezing lungs and creaking bones always seem to solicit unwanted medical advice from anyone (even strangers!) within earshot. And for those who do not detect my discomfort and respond in the proper manner? For them, I’ve developed a repertoire of vocal expressions which I bellow out unabashedly throughout the day to make my many complaints well-known to all those in the house, and the next door neighbors who have their windows open.
“Arrrggghhh, Getchagottablictch, Ugggahgaga, Batscoochtateron, Snapploot, Oooohhnanana!“
Okay, enough exaggeration and half-truths. What I do like about getting older is I love to learn about everything new in the world. I also get to spend more time watching my children and grandchildren grow. I fall deeper in love with the Lord each day, along with my wife, my family and friends. Finally, one of the most glorious sights I’ve seen in all my days is this. The skyscapes I am blessed to witness each day are continually original and gorgeous! I imagine them to be continuously painted anew for me by the hand of Almighty God himself. For these reasons, I am reminded once again how wonderful it is to still be enjoying all the benefits of growing older. If not always gracefully, I am aging gratefully.